Protect yourself from hackers by appeasing the Cat Shadow Council

[untonuggan]

tSo partner I were talking about the whole hacking fiasco of late, and how people freak out but as an individual there are limited things you can do about how securely other people store the data they have about you.

Then we were talking about 1950s/1960s government PSA movies about nuclear bombs and all the reassuring-but-not-useful advice they gave, like "let's practice getting under our desks in case of a nuclear bomb" (which will do fuck-all) or "put duct tape on your windows" (also not really that helpful against a nuclear bomb). But it means you are doing something and is psychologically helpful!

If you have seen The Big Snit (if not stop watching this and go watch it, it's less than 10 minutes and is brilliant), then you are familiar with the advice given there like bits about going under a refrigerator (I forget whether or not that was recommended).

So we came up with a spoof-y list of Things To Do To Improve Your Network Security along those lines. Please note I am NOT actually recommending ANY of these things:

• As we all know, the internet is a series of tubes. Therefore it is possible there are unsecured tubes entering your house which could be disguised as pipes or even dining straws. Search your house for any unsecured tubes and either dispose of them (preferred) or wrap them in aluminum foil.


• Place a protective wind-chime made of old AOL disks outside your home. This will make hackers think that you are running a slow internet connection, and discourage them from trying to access your home network.


• Did you know that your router's firewall is not fully effective until it has been tried by fire? Throw your router over an open flame. If it survives, it is worthy of protecting your home. If not, you have a bad router and need to replace it with a new one. Complain loudly on the forums of the original router's manufacturer about their ill-made routers.


• Hackers are less likely to attack your computer if it is slow and annoying. The safest computer to use is one which needs to be restarted at least every half hour, and takes at least a minute to load a simple page.


• We all know that the internet is run by a Shadow Council of cat lords. Therefore, the more CATs you have on your ethernet cable, the better protected you will be. Are you using a CAT 5 cable? You have angered the Shadow Council, and must pay penance by donating to cat rescue, feeding feral cats, or better yet adopting your own Cat Lord to protect your house!


• Sometimes cats (being lords of the internet) can sense incoming hacker threats. Therefore when your cat is walking on your keyboard, head-butting your hand away from your mouse, or otherwise interrupting you at the computer YOU COULD BE BEING HACKED RIGHT THEN. The correct solution is to immediately turn off your computer and pay homage to your wise cat lord with food and attention.


• Hackers are less likely to hack into your computer when you are watching cat videos on YouTube or looking at cute cat memes, which are ways of paying homage to the Shadow Council. It is wise to partake of these activities several times a day, just to be safe.


• If your identity has been stolen, then you need to change your identity right away. Do you have a spare passport ready? Another home or safe house to go to? Be prepared to run. Ideally, your new name will make some reference to famous cats such as Grumpy or Cheezeburger. Then the hackers will know you are under protection of the Shadow Council and stay away.

Do you have ridiculous suggestions for protecting yourself from hackers? Pleaes share in comments! I could use a laugh. :D