Listening is a Hard & Radical Thing (in which I talk about my experiences)

[untonuggan]

Confession time: when I'm depressed or upset, I read a lot of Thich Nhat Hanh and Ajahn Chah and other Buddhist teachers. I don't know if "enjoy" is the right word, but I obviously get something out of it because I keep coming back to books like Being Peace and Who Ordered This Truckload of Dung? However, I know that topics like Meditation and Buddhism are triggery for some folks, so I'm just going to add a disclaimer here that I may talk about those things here in a positive light, but I'm talking about them for me as a good thing and I'm not saying you have to rush out and join a Buddhist Monastery or something, or even adopt this as a general practice in your everyday life. If it doesn't work for you, it doesn't work for you. Brains are different things.

Now that's out of the way, here's a quote from one of the piles of books about Buddhism about listening I thought is relevant to yesterday's post about my boundaries (note: not everyone's boundaries) and the listening/advice line:

In everyday life, deep listening, attentive listening, is a meditation. If you know the practice of mindful breathing, if you wish to maintain calm and living compassion within you, then deep listening will be possible.

Through the practice of walking meditation, through mindful breathing, we can cultivate calm, we can cultivate awareness, and we can cultivate compassion -- and that way we will be able to sit there and listen to the other. The other suffers as long as [she] is in need of someone to listen to [her]; and you -- you are [a] person who can do it....

If we love someone we should train in being able to listen. By listening with calm and understanding, we can ease the suffering of another person.

Hanh, Thich Nhat, True Love, Shambhala Publications (2004) 36-37.

 

 

When I read this quote the first time, and several others like it, I got *very uncomfortable*. My desire and urge, upon hearing that someone has a problem - particularly a problem that I Know Something About - is to rush in and Fix Things. Because surely there are things that can be fixed, yes? And fixing things makes things better, which means the person wouldn't have a problem anymore, which means that then Ta Da! I would both be a wonderful problem-solver person and also there would be no more problems that I would have to listen to.

That realization, along with a couple of advice/sympathy comments from friends and having them set rather firm boundaries, helped me reexamine some of my own decisions about whether nor not I was going to offer advice unasked for. (True confessions: I still do sometimes. It just slips out. More often this is face-to-face when I don't have a moment to think before I hit "post" or "send", but sometimes, Dear Dreamwidth, lizcommotion is just not perfect and that is okay too.)

You know what? In our society, it is frelling hard work and radical to just sit and listen to someone who is upset and not try to fix it. To not suggest a yoga class for depression (how many times have I heard this zomg?) or some magazine article in Vogue for a chronic health problem. Or even - and this one is the toughest - to not offer what is actually probably really actually good advice because I might have a degree in something or actual expertise, because someone is not ready to hear it.

It is really hard to sit with someone's suffering. To just offer love and compassion and understanding instead of solutions, whether real or imagined. But you know what? My friends and family are pretty frelling awesome. This is a thing I can do. So I offer it, however imperfectly, with an open heart.

Comments

[jelazakazone]

Like you, when I hear/see a problem, I am often rushing in to offer solutions (ESPECIALLY WITH MY KIDS). The irony here is that I have actual honest to god training NOT TO DO THAT. When I was a LLL leader (peer-to-peer breastfeeding counseling) we were told NOT to give advice. Ever. We were to empathize, build a connection, and offer information. I find it much easier to do with people I'm not emotionally wrapped up.

DH has been hounding me that I am parenting all wrong (he may not actually be doing this, but this is my perception). I think I need to start the day with the mantra that I am not going to give advice. To anyone. Unless they put my feet to the fire:D

Thank you for this. I think you are right, we are so acculturated to goals and solutions, we forget that the path is just as important (didn't you say something about that when we were chatting?).

Lovely post.

Oh, and with regards to replies, if spoons are low, know that I do not keep track of who replies to what. Feel free to never reply if you don't have the energy or desire. Unless I am expecting an answer about getting together, which is usually through email, not DW comments. <3

[untonuggan]

This is a lovely response, thank you. :D

[brigid]

It's interesting that you mention parenting. I know that I, as a parent, try to lead my kid (4 yo) to solutions rather than provide solutions. IT. IS. SO. HARD. It's WAAAAAY easier to do things FOR him, to just TELL HIM, to just FIX HIM. But he needs to learn how to think for himself and learn etc. So I bite my tongue a lot. So... you're not the only parent trying not to give kid advice. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

[jelazakazone]

*high fives you* Thanks. I think a lot of us struggle with this or there wouldn't be an entire industry built up around it:D

If you are interested, my husband is a big fan of Jane Nelsen's Positive Discipline.

It's good to get in the mindset now. My kids are 8 and 11.