"Freeze" response in action: because my brain will forget how this works

[untonuggan]

staranise  has posted recently about the "freeze" response (as opposed to fight/flight, it's an additional lovely part of the body's response to stressors.)

Today I got to have another experience of that firsthand - I am pretty sure - and with partner's help actually identify the trigger(s). Because I thought I was having a good day. I went to the doctor, she was awesome and encouraging and filled me with not hope, exactly, but she didn't mention terrible things and was definitely in the Figure Out What's Wrong Scientifically Face, which is very reassuring to me. Then my mom and I went to a thrift store, I tried on some clothes which took a lot of spoons, we got lunch and I actually had an appetite, came home, I fell asleep.

When I woke up, I couldn't move except for my vocal cords. I also couldn't feel my body; it was like I was a floating consciousness.

This has happened before, so Partner and I have a system worked out. One "mmm" means "aaaaack"; two "mmm"s means "no"; three "mmm"s means "yes". I also told her that she should check with me that I couldn't move and other various things. So I made frantic "mmmmmm" noises from the sofa and she came and "rebooted" me by asking me questions about what was going on and how best to help me. We found if she touched a particular part of my body, I could move it again, but I didn't always feel safe with her touching my body. So there was navigating that. Anyway, once my hands and feet were moving again it was not long before my whole body moved.

Then she went on her merry way, I started checking my phone, and I froze again. At which point we rebooted the whole process and Partner had a talk with me about what might have triggered me. Did someone say something to me that was aggravating? Had I gotten an upsetting email?

In the end it was a simple thing. There was a shirt I really liked at the thrift store. I thought I would wear it if I spontaneously got invited to a wedding or something fancy. It was gray, had little raised embroidered dot things on it, and zipped up the side. I look fabulous in it.

I had forgotten that when I was dating Asshole!Abuser!, his dad got remarried. I wore a dress to the wedding that was blue-grey, had raised embroidery on it, and zipped up the side. We messed around at the reception and...things went further than I wanted to. I have no memory of whether or not that was the first time that happened. I hadn't even remembered the wedding before tonight. It's like I can only remember it if I kind of glance at it out of my peripheral vision; if I look at it head on it darts away. I just remember, right now, the walk of shame back to the wedding with my strapless bra not staying up right and my hair messed up and trying to pretend to myself and everyone else that everything was fine.

Everything is not fine.

Healing and self care initiative: activate!

So yeah, there's an example of the freeze response in action. Serious action. I'm leaving this unlocked in case anyone else finds it helpful; also because there seems to be a general discussion right now about flight/fright/freeze and I don't mind being part of that discussion (i.e. if you want to link someone to this, you are welcome to do so; just know that I may not have spoons to comment right away).

Comments

[staranise]

Oh wow, intense. Looks like you two did an awesome job picking it apart.

If there's any more fight/flight/freeze conversation happening that you think I haven't seen, point me to it pretty please?

[untonuggan]

Thank you. This has been happening (the not moving) several times a day, but this is the first time we've been able to find the trigger. Go us!

Most of the other conversation I've seen that I can remember off the top of my head has been through people you would know, I think, but I will definitely pass links your way!

[kaberett]

Thank you for talking about this. Good thoughts your way, in whichever forms you're comfortable with them.

[untonuggan]

Thank you.

[alee_grrl]

<3 I have similar responses to some things. Thank you for sharing this (and for linking to staranise's post. My standard startle response is definitely freeze. I've tried over the years to work on the "pause for a moment to think of a better plan of action" response, but if I'm really caught of guard I just shut down. I have certainly had moments where I did not remember events until they were brought directly to my attention somehow and even then it is like coming at the memory sideways.

[untonuggan]

Yes, exactly this. Thank you for sharing. ♥ Sorry you go through this too.

[st_aurafina]

Wow, you two make an awesome team. *waves tiny pom-poms for you both*

[untonuggan]

Thank you!

[cadenzamuse]

M. is awesome, and you are awesome. Go both of you for taking care of you so well.

[untonuggan]

Awesomeers!

[shehasathree]

Oh wow. Good detectiving and caring work you and Partner!

[untonuggan]

Thank you!

[raze]

I think it's fantastic that the two of you have a system like that worked out - what a wonderful idea. I'm so sorry you've been struggling with memories of what happened, but glad you have a good support system. <3

[untonuggan]

Thank you! <3

Also...

[ysabetwordsmith]

There is a "fawn response."

[pretty_panther]

Thank you for sharing this. I have never experienced a freeze such as you describe but many things read similar to the type of panic attacks that I have. It was a very humbling read in many ways.

[untonuggan]

♥

It saddens me that so many people have such similar experiences; I am also glad that in some way my own experiences are helpful (?) to others.

*gentle hugs* if you want them.