warning: ancient crone blood

As Rogue was Rogue, I'm thinking...

1. Wolverine (call name: Logan) BONUS: especially good name for a rescue pet
2. An appropriate D&D/WoW/gaming character class (Bard, Warrior, Druid, etc.)

Now to convince the rest of my household, in time. Right now is not the time, because we're not getting another animal in the immediate future. But thinking about names is therapeutic for me, so, I had to share with someone and my partner just smiled faintly which is not the desired response.

( More thoughts on EMDR and healing from trauma )
Note: YMMV, these are only my experiences

Yesterday I was talking to jelazakazone about Viktor Frankl and his book, Man's Search for Meaning. We talked about a lot of things like imposter syndrome and creating crafts and dis/ability and trauma/bullying and it was really a very, very good discussion. (Thanks, jelazakazone!)

Anyway, I was thinking about how I find meaning in my life. What is its purpose? I used to think that I was going to save the world, somehow; I always planned to do Peace Corps until health got in the way. Dedicate myself to others, yadda yadda, which isn't healthy unless you have really good boundaries. It's a trap our society creates and reveres. A false pedestal (but then aren't all pedestals?)

For awhile I wanted to leave my mark on the world as a historian, perhaps by writing an important paper or creating an important bit of research. Once I started immersing myself in African/African Diaspora History, I wanted people to know about injustices that happened in the "Global South", which...burned me out. Again, an unsustainable goal without really good boundaries, but really the boundary is flawed because it all rests on other people knowing...and I had all this knowledge of past injustices burning inside me but it felt like there was nothing I could do with all this energy.

Right now I think my meaning is something along the lines of "create crafts and beauty and hopefully help people stay warm in the process, and help me stay healthy/sane through my creative outlets". -ish. I'm still refining, which is part of the "search" part.

( content note: f*ck yeah, healing from trauma )

So there.

I rely heavily on "10 Good Things" posts both when I'm having "eeeeee! all is good!" days and when I'm having days that are...quite the opposite. They help put perspective on life and balance things out. Right now I'm somewhere in the middle, with a number of good things and yet...just found out a friend went in the hospital, and that is really not so great. Also our 19-year-old printer is having constant paper jams and I think our 6-7 year old desktop computer is also on the outs. (Fancy that! Electronics lasting that long in the first place...) My mother always says appliances go in threes, so I am somewhat nervous.

So! Am in need of 10 good things today, so I shall shower you with them. :D

1. I have been having fun with the photography. I've been going out early in the morning for walks in the woods behind my house and taking pictures in the early morning light, as well as going through photographs of yore. I even put a bunch more up on society6, which you are under no obligation to look at or anything. But, you know, you can if you want to. (I am *so* resisting the urge to get a tote bag or stationary cards zomg.)
2. While I was out this morning, I had a magical moment when I was next to two pileated woodpeckers. One even let me get close enough to wish I had a better camera, but I did get this shot:
3. Light box is a source of stability in the mornings. Also light visor lets me walk around the house and bake in the wee hours of the morning if I don't feel like sitting in one place! Yay!
4. I seem to be mostly over my cold.
5. I have Ideas about making a poetry zine in 2014. We shall see what comes of it...
6. My friend from elementary school who moved to NYC to become an opera singer? She is cold cold cold. And I can do something to help, because I knit! Also, the yarn I wanted was on sale. WIN.
7. Partner and I have planned the Thanksgiving Day menu and it is mouth-watering. Also, I think, not so spoon-stealing in the cooking department.
8. Partner and I are out to another of her relatives. This is a slow process, because, y'know, Srs Cultural and Familial Baggage. But her aunt Officially Did Not Care. \o/ Small victories.
9. Decaf Coffee con Leche. Mmmm. Small blessings.
10. Helped save a lost dog the other day. She was only outside her house we found out, but she was heading into the street and if anyone had chased her trying to "help" then it would have been very, very bad. All I could think of was how awful I would feel if Rogue got out of the house. Was very glad to help return her to her home.

staranise  has posted recently about the "freeze" response (as opposed to fight/flight, it's an additional lovely part of the body's response to stressors.)

Today I got to have another experience of that firsthand - I am pretty sure - and with partner's help actually identify the trigger(s). Because I thought I was having a good day. I went to the doctor, she was awesome and encouraging and filled me with not hope, exactly, but she didn't mention terrible things and was definitely in the Figure Out What's Wrong Scientifically Face, which is very reassuring to me. Then my mom and I went to a thrift store, I tried on some clothes which took a lot of spoons, we got lunch and I actually had an appetite, came home, I fell asleep.

( trigger warning: sexual assault, trauma, body's response to trauma in a weird/scary way, PTSD )

So yeah, there's an example of the freeze response in action. Serious action. I'm leaving this unlocked in case anyone else finds it helpful; also because there seems to be a general discussion right now about flight/fright/freeze and I don't mind being part of that discussion (i.e. if you want to link someone to this, you are welcome to do so; just know that I may not have spoons to comment right away).