NaBloPoMo Day 17: Recording self-care skills and victories

[untonuggan]

Yesterday I had a self-care victory. I am going to write about it here because I need to record these small (and in a way, giant) victories against the dread beast Imposter Syndrome and Brain Weasel at Large and Depression so that when I am next in the deep dark depths, I can have a written guide to help lead me out of Moria (and avoid balrogs).

Because depression is a lying bastard, and it makes you forget that you have gotten better again. It makes you forget how you have gotten through its clutching claws and gaping jaws.

When I'm depressed, deeply depressed, the first thing I think to cope with is, "I should self-harm."

I haven't self-harmed since...oh, a year or more before I met my partner? So over a decade. But those neural pathways are still forged strong. Something to do with starting self-harm in adolescence and brain development and trauma/abuse/PTSD overlaid on top. It's really hard to break the initial thought pattern, but it gets easier over time not to act on it.

I am a recovering self-injurer.

When I am truly, deeply depressed, and it hurts so bad that I think that it will never be worth it anymore, I think, "I should end it." And then I start thinking of all the various ways I could do so, and it becomes a relentless litany of ways to escape.

Incidentally, this is usually tied to hormonal changes and goes away again when the hormones stop doing whatever they're doing. We're investigating this.

I have to find ways to keep myself safe.

Yesterday, the Thoughts started because of a bunch of Imposter Syndrome stuff my brain had been running amok with. I took a deep breath. I told myself that those thoughts were old thoughts, echoes, and that they didn't have any power anymore unless I let them.

I decided I would go for a walk -- letting someone know first where I was going -- and if I didn't feel better by the end of the walk, I would call my therapist.

Then I went for a short walk in the woods and took photographs. "But what if they're terrible photographs?" My brain went. "You shouldn't take any!"

"That is where you're wrong," I replied. "Because I have to fail a bunch of times before I can take /good/ photographs. If I get any photographs I like out of this, then it's a bonus. Otherwise this is just playing with a camera."

By the end of the walk there were two that I liked, one of which I played with in photoshop. My dad thinks it's weird and hallucinogenic, which is just the effect I was going for, because it reminds me of Alice in Wonderland. But I don't really care what anyone else thinks, because I had fun making it and it allowed me to engage in things I find fun rather than extra visits to my brain doctor or something.

Here's the picture:

Down the Rabbit Hole, or The Roots of Yggdrassil

Here's the second photo I liked,, of fungi type things on a log:

Now let's see if I can do it all again next time it happens.

Comments

[jelazakazone]

Yay! You are awesome. I love that you are recording this and making note of good things. :D

I especially love the fungi. My grandmother used to do little landscape paintings on shelf fungi. I might be developing a fondness for fungi akin to tentacles.

[untonuggan]

Good things...good things keep me going. ^__^

Fungi ftw! I also have a couple other photos from the other day. :D I think I may also be developing a fondness for them. <3

Also in fungi-goodness, are you a member of common_nature? There are lots of great nature photos, and frequently members such as spiralsheep post fungi photos.

[lilysea]

Go you! ^_^

I like the mushrooms: the lines of colour remind me of banded agate or the grand canyon.

[untonuggan]

Thank you. :D

[cadenzamuse]

Woo! Congratulations!

Even if you can't do it every time, you have done it once, which means it is possible for you to do. Which is a Big Deal.

[untonuggan]

Very good point! Thank you! <3

[alee_grrl]

This is a lovely post. It is wonderful that you are writing down this little victories. They do make for great reminders when the thoughts get stirred up again.

I love the photographs. The first one put me in mind of Alice in Wonderland before I'd even read the description. :D Definitely has a down the rabbit hole sort of feel. The association with Yggdrasil was also a good one. The fungi are very pretty and do remind me of the striped canyons out west.

[untonuggan]

Thank you. I find it really important to write about the victories, as I've said, and it's nice to have that recognized by others as well - a bonus, really. \o/ Extra weasel-repellant for later.

*dances* I'm glad you love the photographs! Also bonus weasel repellant. :D

[tyger]

*snughuggleses* Yay kicking the brainweasels in the teeth!

Also, awesome photos! :D I dunno which one I like better, to be honest. Though the fungi are extra cool because I haven't seen any with lines like that before, wow. :D NATURE~!!

[pipisafoat]

I am reminded of an episode of the X-Files more than Alice in Wonderland, but that's just me and the hours and hours I have spent watching X-Files in my life :D (um, that to say, I like it! it is weird in the delightful ways.)

[untonuggan]

Yay!

[syntaxofthings]

But I don't really care what anyone else thinks, because I had fun making it and it allowed me to engage in things I find fun rather than extra visits to my brain doctor or something.

I had this same moment of victory about a month ago when I opened up the GIMP and played with photos I've taken: because it used to be about comparing myself to others, who were way, way better at making graphics than I [still] am, but that time it was all about how I felt making the graphics. I felt meditative and contemplative and things were going to be okay and there was beauty. That feeling is the important thing, not how the result came out. And we can find it again.

*high five*

[geeksdoitbetter]

yay!

that's like, 17 different coping and self soothing skills used there, in succession and successful repetition (i used to think that if i had to repeat one, then i'd failed. so wrong!)

(i didn't really count them, coz that felt a bit too creepy. but! there were lots! go you!)

[brigid]

Breaking destructive thought patterns and harmful behavior is SO hard. You're doing incredibly well. Congratulations on re-directing your self-harm impulse to something more creative, that's a pretty big triumph.

[untonuggan]

<3 thank you !