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untonugganYesterday I was talking to jelazakazone about Viktor Frankl and his book, Man's Search for Meaning. We talked about a lot of things like imposter syndrome and creating crafts and dis/ability and trauma/bullying and it was really a very, very good discussion. (Thanks, jelazakazone!)
Anyway, I was thinking about how I find meaning in my life. What is its purpose? I used to think that I was going to save the world, somehow; I always planned to do Peace Corps until health got in the way. Dedicate myself to others, yadda yadda, which isn't healthy unless you have really good boundaries. It's a trap our society creates and reveres. A false pedestal (but then aren't all pedestals?)
For awhile I wanted to leave my mark on the world as a historian, perhaps by writing an important paper or creating an important bit of research. Once I started immersing myself in African/African Diaspora History, I wanted people to know about injustices that happened in the "Global South", which...burned me out. Again, an unsustainable goal without really good boundaries, but really the boundary is flawed because it all rests on other people knowing...and I had all this knowledge of past injustices burning inside me but it felt like there was nothing I could do with all this energy.
Right now I think my meaning is something along the lines of "create crafts and beauty and hopefully help people stay warm in the process, and help me stay healthy/sane through my creative outlets". -ish. I'm still refining, which is part of the "search" part.
I think I want to add something about healing, though, because really -- I have had a phenomenal past couple of days. I might go into some of it later, I might not. But really, something happened that helped put the abuse that happened into perspective of "generational cycles of abuse" and suddenly I was seeing it through a postmodern feminist lens rather than a self-hating self-blaming lens and it's glorious. Don't know how long it will last, nothing lasts forever. But I do wish I could snapshot this emotion and bottle it for later. Also also, there have been places/people/events that I've avoided because Traumatic People might be there. I have decided -- ENOUGH. They cannot harm me anymore and THEY CANNOT HAVE THE GOOD THINGS ANYMORE.
So there.
jelazakazone about Viktor Frankl and his book, Man's Search for Meaning. We talked about a lot of things like imposter syndrome and creating crafts and dis/ability and trauma/bullying and it was really a very, very good discussion. (Thanks, jelazakazone!)Anyway, I was thinking about how I find meaning in my life. What is its purpose? I used to think that I was going to save the world, somehow; I always planned to do Peace Corps until health got in the way. Dedicate myself to others, yadda yadda, which isn't healthy unless you have really good boundaries. It's a trap our society creates and reveres. A false pedestal (but then aren't all pedestals?)
For awhile I wanted to leave my mark on the world as a historian, perhaps by writing an important paper or creating an important bit of research. Once I started immersing myself in African/African Diaspora History, I wanted people to know about injustices that happened in the "Global South", which...burned me out. Again, an unsustainable goal without really good boundaries, but really the boundary is flawed because it all rests on other people knowing...and I had all this knowledge of past injustices burning inside me but it felt like there was nothing I could do with all this energy.
Right now I think my meaning is something along the lines of "create crafts and beauty and hopefully help people stay warm in the process, and help me stay healthy/sane through my creative outlets". -ish. I'm still refining, which is part of the "search" part.
I think I want to add something about healing, though, because really -- I have had a phenomenal past couple of days. I might go into some of it later, I might not. But really, something happened that helped put the abuse that happened into perspective of "generational cycles of abuse" and suddenly I was seeing it through a postmodern feminist lens rather than a self-hating self-blaming lens and it's glorious. Don't know how long it will last, nothing lasts forever. But I do wish I could snapshot this emotion and bottle it for later. Also also, there have been places/people/events that I've avoided because Traumatic People might be there. I have decided -- ENOUGH. They cannot harm me anymore and THEY CANNOT HAVE THE GOOD THINGS ANYMORE.
So there.
no subject
Date: 2013-11-18 04:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-11-18 06:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-11-18 05:25 pm (UTC)I think, for me, realizing that the trauma I'd experienced as a child was not personal was enormously helpful, so, yeah, your trauma is still your trauma, but you don't have to let it fuck you up, so GO YOU. You are beautiful and fabulous and you should let your light shine. <3
no subject
Date: 2013-11-18 08:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-11-18 11:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-11-18 09:52 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-11-18 11:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-11-19 03:11 pm (UTC)follow up, does our visceral reaction to pooling speak to our desire for control?
no subject
Date: 2013-11-20 02:43 pm (UTC)this. this is awesome.