"Freeze" response in action: because my brain will forget how this works

[untonuggan]

staranise  has posted recently about the "freeze" response (as opposed to fight/flight, it's an additional lovely part of the body's response to stressors.)

Today I got to have another experience of that firsthand - I am pretty sure - and with partner's help actually identify the trigger(s). Because I thought I was having a good day. I went to the doctor, she was awesome and encouraging and filled me with not hope, exactly, but she didn't mention terrible things and was definitely in the Figure Out What's Wrong Scientifically Face, which is very reassuring to me. Then my mom and I went to a thrift store, I tried on some clothes which took a lot of spoons, we got lunch and I actually had an appetite, came home, I fell asleep.

When I woke up, I couldn't move except for my vocal cords. I also couldn't feel my body; it was like I was a floating consciousness.

This has happened before, so Partner and I have a system worked out. One "mmm" means "aaaaack"; two "mmm"s means "no"; three "mmm"s means "yes". I also told her that she should check with me that I couldn't move and other various things. So I made frantic "mmmmmm" noises from the sofa and she came and "rebooted" me by asking me questions about what was going on and how best to help me. We found if she touched a particular part of my body, I could move it again, but I didn't always feel safe with her touching my body. So there was navigating that. Anyway, once my hands and feet were moving again it was not long before my whole body moved.

Then she went on her merry way, I started checking my phone, and I froze again. At which point we rebooted the whole process and Partner had a talk with me about what might have triggered me. Did someone say something to me that was aggravating? Had I gotten an upsetting email?

In the end it was a simple thing. There was a shirt I really liked at the thrift store. I thought I would wear it if I spontaneously got invited to a wedding or something fancy. It was gray, had little raised embroidered dot things on it, and zipped up the side. I look fabulous in it.

I had forgotten that when I was dating Asshole!Abuser!, his dad got remarried. I wore a dress to the wedding that was blue-grey, had raised embroidery on it, and zipped up the side. We messed around at the reception and...things went further than I wanted to. I have no memory of whether or not that was the first time that happened. I hadn't even remembered the wedding before tonight. It's like I can only remember it if I kind of glance at it out of my peripheral vision; if I look at it head on it darts away. I just remember, right now, the walk of shame back to the wedding with my strapless bra not staying up right and my hair messed up and trying to pretend to myself and everyone else that everything was fine.

Everything is not fine.

Healing and self care initiative: activate!

So yeah, there's an example of the freeze response in action. Serious action. I'm leaving this unlocked in case anyone else finds it helpful; also because there seems to be a general discussion right now about flight/fright/freeze and I don't mind being part of that discussion (i.e. if you want to link someone to this, you are welcome to do so; just know that I may not have spoons to comment right away).