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content note: religion (Paganism), spiritual manipulation/abuse (not many particulars discussed, more about healing from this)
I'm a hesitant Pagan due to some, for lack of a better word, spiritual abuse I encountered early on in my practice. It was manipulative as fuck and is taking me quite awhile to venture forth into Pagan practice again, even as a solitary. It's as though that spiritual element of myself got burned, badly, and the healing requires accommodations on my part as to how I practice so I don't reopen any wounds. Or that if I do reopen wounds, they're in a controlled environment and don't spiral out of control.
That being said: how dare he take that element of my life and corrupt it so? How dare he? And so I am making a conscious effort, at this time of the year which is always so tinged with both joy and sorrow for me, to take small acts and do them with the intent of being present, reaching out to my Goddess, and simply experiencing the turning of the Wheel.
For my own brain records (because, curiously or perhaps not, trauma tends to blur memory), here's what I have done recently with the intent of honoring this season of mists and mellow fruitfulness:
I'm a hesitant Pagan due to some, for lack of a better word, spiritual abuse I encountered early on in my practice. It was manipulative as fuck and is taking me quite awhile to venture forth into Pagan practice again, even as a solitary. It's as though that spiritual element of myself got burned, badly, and the healing requires accommodations on my part as to how I practice so I don't reopen any wounds. Or that if I do reopen wounds, they're in a controlled environment and don't spiral out of control.
That being said: how dare he take that element of my life and corrupt it so? How dare he? And so I am making a conscious effort, at this time of the year which is always so tinged with both joy and sorrow for me, to take small acts and do them with the intent of being present, reaching out to my Goddess, and simply experiencing the turning of the Wheel.
For my own brain records (because, curiously or perhaps not, trauma tends to blur memory), here's what I have done recently with the intent of honoring this season of mists and mellow fruitfulness:
- eaten Pomegranate seeds and drunk goat's milk
- begun knitting an afghan, a long term project that I hope will be a thing of snuggly healing for me (and at the same time, I'm giving myself permission to stop if I need to and turn the squares into pillow covers or something)
- lit a fire, and am sitting by it right now
- written seasonal poetry
- listening to the yoga station on Pandora
- attempting to make Christmas Cake using a recipe that my gran gave me over the phone (and it's a very thinky recipe, because it doesn't include very many instructions. So I may just "have" to make several cakes. Oh no!)
- gone for walks in the cold and listened to the silence and lack of frogs, cicadas, and the like
- gone for walks when the weather turns warm and listened to the sudden surge of birdsong and cicadas and the like
- working on making my brain space safe for me again (through trauma therapy and EMDR). this is probably more than a season's work
So I am going to be up-front and say that this is a tough post for me to write because powerful stuff, but it would have been much harder for me to write it two days ago before the EMDR session. I am also making this entry public because I thought that it could be interesting to a broader audience, so feel free to link here if someone you know might be interested in it - just know that I may be slow in responding to comments. In addition, I'm going to go light on some of the details to spare others who have PTSD from getting triggered who might benefit from reading this post; still, know that I'm going to talk about things related to PTSD and trauma and being a survivor.
*goes boldly onward*
( tw: ptsd, being a survivor, history of sexual assault, therapy )
*goes boldly onward*
( tw: ptsd, being a survivor, history of sexual assault, therapy )
