This is worth reading all the way through

[untonuggan]

• brigid posted a very helpful list of Retail (and Fast Food) red flags for anyone who's job searching, as a follow-up to Captain Awkward's more white-collar oriented Job Search Red Flags. Both are worth reading.


• sharpeningthebones has An open post for those who ned a safe space to vent, cheer, ask for help or anything else


• I have a thread there wherein I vent about Crohn's and in particular open up about why the colonoscopies &tc are particularly triggering for me. (TW: new medical diagnosis, dis/ability, sick pet, anger and an*l r*** survivor). Breaking the silence, what.


• Just a general FYI, I'm feeling really really shattered by this diagnosis in particular. I'm not sure why except that it comes on top of a very stressful week month year, so I'm feeling unlike my usual lovingkindness self and more...grumpy/grouchy. So if I come across that way, it is very much me and not you. Because being grumpy/grouchy is making me more grumpy/grouchy overall. Anywho, I deeply apologize if I offend in any way and ask that you gently bring it up with me if some of my actions really bother you/are problematic. Because I want to know/fix them.


• That being said, I just wanted to make a general heads-up that at this time I'm finding unsolicited advice extremely triggery and I ask that folks not make it on my journal space. Thanks to a certain someone for helping me realize I was falling into this trap myself, and for helping me do some serious self-examination about whether I wanted to consider making unsolicited advice in general. Here's a partial list of why it's problematic for me (note that it's not a Universal Experience):
  
  I may have/probably have already considered the options you're listing
  
  
  
  I may not have the cope to be in "problem solving mode" at the moment, and instead just need a shoulder to cry on. Offering advice closes down the emotional safe space for crying.
  
  
  Offering advice has an underlying tone of "You don't know how to fix this yourself," and disempowers the listener to solve their own problems
  
  Thank you for being considerate of my feelings and thinking about whether or not your comments contain advice before clicking post, because this is a big thing for me. If it happens often, I may give you a gentle nudge privately to remind you of my preferences. Just FYI.


• If I ask for advice (given certain caveats I may list in the post), then it's totally a different story and you're welcome (and indeed encouraged!) to give advice, etc.


• If the unsolicited advice thing is triggery for you, and I unintentionally slip up and give you unsolicited advice, just give me a nudge and I'll try to remedy my ways. If we don't make mistakes - and get reminded - then we don't learn, amirite?

Comments

[shehasathree]

This is a good post.

[jjhunter]

*looks at herself in the mirror, squirms guiltily*

Will make myself remember to ask up front whether you want fixing mind or listening ear when this subject comes up in the future; please also feel free & empowered to do the phone equivalent of bopping me on the nose - 'bit not good now, J.J.' (to steal a phrase from BBC Sherlock) / etc. - when I stray into unwanted territory on any subject and I will a.) stop, b.) thank you for it, and c.) wait for your cue on what you'd prefer to talk about instead.

That saying about good fences making good neighbors? Good boundaries are essential for good relationships; feeling comfortable about setting them with someone & trusting that they feel comfortable communicating theirs with me is an essential part of all my closest relationships.

Which is another way of saying - you're awesome. Your awesomeness is housed in a body that asking a lot of you right now; tending to that body does not diminish your awesomeness, and I really appreciate how clear & upfront you are what's helpful / not helpful re: how other people relate to & process what you share about that body tending. It helps me do a better job of separating out my own anxieties and sitting on them firmly (obviously still a work-in-progress, eheu) and be more secure, more comfortable in just being present, just listening and hearing and being there, when you're going through hard stuff.

(It says something about the culture I grew up with that 'just being'/ not doing in the presence of someone's suffering can feel radical and subversive and weirdly unsettling - almost immoral in some fundamental way - but that doesn't mean it isn't worth doing; it just means there are some cultural hangups I need to get over ASAP.)

Anyway, this is very rambling. No need to reply; just wanted you to know.

[sauscony]

Oh no, I hope you aren't angry. I didn't read this post fully until after I had already posted a comment over at sharpeningthebones vent thread in which I offered unsolicited advice about sedation for colonoscopies. I'm sorry if I crossed the line.

[tyger]

*big warm fluffy hugs* I am sorry your body hates you so much. :( Not good, Liz's body! Not good at ALL! *all the hugs you wants, yes*

[jelazakazone]

Please feel free to tell me if I've crossed the line from sympathy/support to giving advice. I know it can be a hazy line (at least for me) at times. <3

[syntaxofthings]

Liiiiiiiiz I heart you and this post. a) THANK YOU for the retail red flags list. So relevant to my life. :/ b) *gentle hugs because ouch, diagnosis* :( However, your wording for the unsolicited advice stuff is great and articulates why someone's unsolicited advice to me recently was so out of line and... yeah. My brain is not awake at all yet but lots of love to you. <3<3<3

[untonuggan]

You're totally good, you didn't know. all the hugs

[sid]

A grumpy/grouchy Liz is still a lot sweeter than many folks one might encounter on teh internetz. *hugs*

[raze]

First off: *hugs* and I am SO sorry that solidifying your diagnosis is going to result in a mess of trigger shit for you. So unfair :( I do hope you get answers and find a way to manage your symptoms that you might feel better, however.


Take care and if you ever need someone to talk to - or, more, somebody to shut up and LISTEN - I'm online quite often. *hugs*

[rainbow]

all the vibes heading out, and if i ever offend through unsolicited advice, please DO tell me.

[untonuggan]

♥ thank you!

[untonuggan]

It's super hard for me too, and thanks for letting me know that you are cool with boundary-setting. Boundaries make good friendships. :D

[untonuggan]

<3 <3 <3

I am glad this post was helpful, although sorry that you needed it to be.

[untonuggan]

*hugs* Thanks. I needed to hear that.

[untonuggan]

♥ *hugs back*

Thanks just for reading; for being here; for being you. Feel free to message me also if you need to; if I don't have cope I'll let you know.

[jelazakazone]

Definitely! I try very hard to set firm boundaries for myself, so it is not something I find problematic in relationships. You are right, boundaries make good friendships. I only have problems when people do not set good boundaries:D

[untonuggan]

thanks for the vibes and also listening to boundary-setting. ♥

[untonuggan]

Listening, just listening, is a radical and very very difficult thing that I am trying to cultivate in myself.

Thank you for listening here.

[rainbow]

youare welcome on both counts! <3

[sine_nomine]

Go you on turning something so ugh into something so helpful!!!!

It's so hard in our culture, I think, to sit and listen and not problem-solve (we pay people who sit and listen lots of money, in fact! They're called p-shrinks of various kinds! *grin*). So grateful to you for articulating it all and also for sharing what all up is with you. Really challenging stuff that just sucks, pretty much, but you're attacking it full-on it seems...

Hang in there and remember I'm out here cheering you on.

[untonuggan]

Thanks so much for this comment! It really means a lot. :D

[cadenzamuse]

I hear you. And I think I went in an advice-y direction during our last phone call; I'm sorry.

Thank you for making clear boundaries clear. It's helpful.

And again, all the hugs.