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untonugganMy body feels roughly as crappy as it did when I did theater in high school and it was "hell week" (i.e. the week before the production), and I was at school til 9-10 pm, eating crap like a pop tart and Dr Pepper for "dinner" and going home to finish my essays hopefully by midnight and maybe getting six hours sleep if I was lucky. Then going to cast parties and crap when the show was over and staying out late and omg how the fuck did I do that.
That abuse? That feeling of overwork and sleeplessness right there? Apparently I have that exact feeling right now from a combo of...
I am supposed to meet up with a fun new-ish friend person today and I was looking forward to it. In a bookstore I love! But it's a 30-40 minute drive thatmaramcreates was going to do, but I think...I think I will die. Like, not right then, but when I get back, and for several days after, because I already feel like I am dying.
And I have that awkward spoonie self-talk that started like "Will this person understand? Will they hate me? Well fuck them if they do, but also I am lonely and I hate being seen as flaky and making friends as an adult is already hard. Also I was looking forward to this. Also I do not even have a job and I can't go to a bookstore? What is wrong with me." Which, OH HAI BRAIN WEASELS, did you know that is why we qualify for disability?
I am cutting out the dialogue I have from my dad about jobs/school I have missed or college classes I have withdrawn from because of health, or what was health but we did not know was such bad health at the time. In his defense, he has been a pretty bad-ass advocate for me with faceless bureaucracies and also going out and getting food I am randomly craving or the medication from the pharmacy. Just...he does not understand what any of this is actually like, so saying helpful things is not his strong suit. Often unhelpful things are his strong suit.
Also, this is why it's hard, because when I do see people for social times, they don't see this part. The aftereffects of whatever we did or why I did cancel or "oh look it's awkwardly crawling up the stairs because my hips won't bend right today" day. So of course I "look fine."
And all of this? All of this I carry in my head as a tape now that the brain weasels helpfully roll out every time I might have to cancel something I had scheduled. *sigh*
That abuse? That feeling of overwork and sleeplessness right there? Apparently I have that exact feeling right now from a combo of...
- stress about a thing which is not mine to talk about (OH HAI friendly cold sore, you are just what I need!)
- dealing with the cats and their thing this week
- baking yesterday
- hanging out with friends til midnight yesterday oh god whyyyyy
- not being able to fall back to sleep after feeding the cats breakfast at 6:30 am...two days running now...even though I'm exhausted
- a couple of necessary tasks like putting groceries away and cleaning weird stuff out of the pantry
I am supposed to meet up with a fun new-ish friend person today and I was looking forward to it. In a bookstore I love! But it's a 30-40 minute drive that
maramcreates was going to do, but I think...I think I will die. Like, not right then, but when I get back, and for several days after, because I already feel like I am dying. And I have that awkward spoonie self-talk that started like "Will this person understand? Will they hate me? Well fuck them if they do, but also I am lonely and I hate being seen as flaky and making friends as an adult is already hard. Also I was looking forward to this. Also I do not even have a job and I can't go to a bookstore? What is wrong with me." Which, OH HAI BRAIN WEASELS, did you know that is why we qualify for disability?
I am cutting out the dialogue I have from my dad about jobs/school I have missed or college classes I have withdrawn from because of health, or what was health but we did not know was such bad health at the time. In his defense, he has been a pretty bad-ass advocate for me with faceless bureaucracies and also going out and getting food I am randomly craving or the medication from the pharmacy. Just...he does not understand what any of this is actually like, so saying helpful things is not his strong suit. Often unhelpful things are his strong suit.
Also, this is why it's hard, because when I do see people for social times, they don't see this part. The aftereffects of whatever we did or why I did cancel or "oh look it's awkwardly crawling up the stairs because my hips won't bend right today" day. So of course I "look fine."
And all of this? All of this I carry in my head as a tape now that the brain weasels helpfully roll out every time I might have to cancel something I had scheduled. *sigh*
