Going to see an endocrinologist today

[untonuggan]

Am hoping she is helpful, and we can keep body weight discussions to a minimum because that is not what I am there to talk about.

In related news, I wrote this tirade comment on shehasathree 's journal and it seemed relevant and I am sharing it because I've been thinking about it since that asshole cardiologist last week

This is my problem with #notalldoctors:

If pretty much *anyone else* crosses a big ol' boundary

(or say, says rude things about your weight or gaslights you), you have the ability to (a) leave; (b) set boundaries with your words; (c) if it's some sort of professional setting sometimes even ask to see a manager or HR right then!

Obviously there are exceptions, like one scary time in a taxi cab in NYC (I was not alone, but yeah, kinda physically trapped) or if you're debating skeazy boss situation vs. feeding kids and not being blacklisted and how to extricate yourself later or if you're a kid and they're your parent.

But with doctors - how do you do that? If they work in a hospital or clinic, you at least can call HR later and document a complaint and get an apology. But that is a button I feel like you can only push so many times before the HR department gets to know your name and writes you off as loony, so it kind of has to be saved for the worst instances, you know?

If they are a private practice doctor or someone you *have* to see and they cross a major boundary, there isn't a specific protocol in place for setting that boundary because they are God. I have had a PA say something really inappropriate while giving me a *pelvic exam* and someone else do similar while sticking me with a needle, and in both cases it was like, "Sooo, what happens to my body if I tell you that was super inappropriate, because it was but I am also not sure what will happen if I do?" Which is basically how it feels when you're with an abuser, yes?

And gods forbid you leave early during an appointment with a doctor that is super triggery before they examine you! And even more, don't explain yourself! Because as enthusiastic consent laws are beginning to come into place for things like sex (albeit with much debate), medicine still doesn't seem to understand that "No" is a complete sentence.

I think that's why, for me, medical appointments require a lot of emotional armor. It's like I'm going to see a capital-N Narcissist or something who is *also* in charge of my labwork, tests, medication, diagnoses, and how other doctors perceive me. (And depending on how well they do their job, possibly my life.)

That whole walking-on-eggshells, trying to present as a "good patient" without seeming like I'm *trying* to present as a "good patient" and thus trigger some she-must-be-drug-seeking-or-a-hypochondr

iac and how-much-medical-language-is-okay and hide-my-tears dance I do at new doctors? How different is that, really, from the walking on eggshells people do when communicating with gaslighters and other abusers?

Please note that I'm not saying that doctors are inherently terrible. (#notalldoctors, heh) I mean, I do have some doctors I love and want never to retire because I do trust them. It's just, that trust has to be built, and more so every time some schmuck fucks up. I also think that medical schools and continuing education units *seriously* need to address the problem of healthy communication and being open and encouraging healthy criticism and boundary-setting from patients.

For serious, if you are a doctor and during our visit all I can think of when I see you is my abusive ex, we are not going to have a good working relationship because I'm in flashback land.

 

Comments

[jelazakazone]

<3 <3 Ugh.

Also, yay for staying out of the ER and not (yet) eating charcoal, yes?

I am finally alone for a couple hours. Am trying to pull myself together to do something.

[cadenzamuse]

This. I mean, I think Angie's List and Yelp are of some use in terms of warning people STAY AWAYYYYYYY and communicating feedback, but the fact that doctors don't seek feedback and see their customers as "patients" rather than "clients"/paternalistic model of medicine etc. etc. is a Huge Problem. (As I decide whether to tell Psychiatrist Who Wouldn't Listen To Me feedback or not, and if so, how. And it is easier with a psychiatrist because your clothes stay on [and less easy because they have some control over whether you are seen as Crazy/Unreliable or not].)

[alee_grrl]

This rings so close to home for me. All of these issues are why I do not trust medical professionals easily. <3 <3 <3

ETA: I really, really hope that the endocrinologist appointment goes well. ::crosses all crossables::

[jelazakazone]

Re your eta: was just thinking of Liz and wondering how that appointment went as well.

[lilysea]

Yes, this.

Abusive or negligent Drs... so many bad memories. The really-bad ones are too long and distressing to write up. But even the small-and-medium-bad:

The Dr who told me I ***couldn't*** have chronic neck and shoulder pain, because it didn't show up on an xray. I'd been in a bad car accident, and muscle injuries/muscle tension doesn't show up on an xray.

The Dr who said "the only things that can cause fatigue in people are iron anemia and Depression[1]. Some people say you can get chronic fatigue after glandular fever, but most people get better from glandular fever just fine, so I don't believe in chronic fatigue." [1] obs not true, there's vitamin B12 and D for starters.

The Dr who let my iron deficiency anaemia get so bad from menstrual bleeding that I was falling over and unable to walk and losing words, without suggesting iron injections or iron infusions.

The Dr who when I told them I was falling, wrote "falls" in inverted commas several times in my referral letter, in such a way that it looked as though I wasn't *really* falling over.

[tyger]

*HUGS FOR EVERYONE IN THIS POST*

[lilacsigil]

Well said. I have been through this so many times, including with doctors I previously trusted, and it has a massive impact on my physical health, let alone my mental health. One of the reasons I don't go to therapy is because I just don't trust any medical professional enough. And I have tried.

Tw for SI mention

[shehasathree]

<333
Are you familiar with brene brown's marble metaphor? I feel like Gynaecologist took half the marbles out of our jar and smashed half the marbles on the ground. The more I think about it the more mystifying it is to me. Does she honestly not remember what she said in those voicemails? Because I might be able to check. If I was the slightest bit less certain I would really feel like I was going crazy right now. As it is I came closer than comfortable to SI last night. I just...don't UNDERSTAND.

[rainbow]

vibes! some hcps need a good whack around the ears with a clue by four.

i had the advantage of growing up with an er nurse who did not hesitate to read them the riot act when her doctors (ie colleagues) behaved badly, plus i worked in hospital administration and saw what sort of complaints get the best response.

i don't know if my template for a poor medical care complaint letter would be helpful for you or not, but in case it might be, it's here: http://rainbow.dreamwidth.org/1336450.html

[altamira16]

Doctors are human and fallible like everyone else. They are in this environment where everyone they work with has to respect them, and that does go to their head.

[indywind]

Is that "how does one cope with not-eggregiously-actionable inapropriateness and boundary violations from care-providers(*)?" a request for suggestions, or is sympathy more what you need now?

Those are all sucky things that happen. I am so sorry you have to deal with them, especially from healthcare providers who are theoretically meant to help, and especially when you have illness already to deal with and really don't need an extra thing chipping at your cope. Ugh. So sorry.



(*and others who have both socially-legitimized and practical situational power such that many boundary-enforcing options feel unsafe)