Guys to Date: according to TV and Movies, with a focus on Rom-Coms

[untonuggan]

Boy Scout

Steve Rogers and Duncan McLeod. He does all the right things, because they are Right. He saves the world on Monday mornings before his first cup of coffee; you may be required to help bandage him. If he thinks you're in danger, he'll break up with you for your own good. He will do a lot of things for your own good, because he is just That Noble and Protective. He is on a pedestal, though, so the only way this will end is with a Noble Death for one of you, or you messing up and a tragic break-up due to your betrayal. Both of these will make him more Noble, though possibly with a period of self-doubt and darkness in the middle.

Serial Monogamist (monogamy flexible, may be "getting a divorce" for several years)

"McDreamy" in Grey's Anatomy. This dude has perfect hair or teeth or eyes or something. He might have forgotten to tell you he was still technically married, which could lead to complications. Don't despair, though! If he does break things off with his wife to get with you, then you can live with his attachment issues that he will lovingly project onto you. You are the one on a pedestal here, until you are not, and then maybe you are standing outside in the rain banging on the door and then he has moved across the country and is sleeping with an intern because he can't deal with the fact that everyone makes mistakes (or that he makes mistakes, too, like moving across the country and sleeping with an intern).

Emotionally Unavailable / Dark and damaged

Batman; Anakin Skywalker; Cal Lightman from Lie to Me; Huck from Scandal. Has a troubled past, which he will not talk about. Or maybe he only talks about it with you. Maybe you share a dark and troubled past, and you can only talk about it with each other which is not in any way enabling negative behavior. Maybe he only talks about it with you when he calls you at 2 am to help clean up a mess he made or a body because he is so Dark and Damaged. Why are you asking him about whether he's relapsed? He thought you were chill! Sorry, he did not mean to yell. You are the only one who understands. You definitely do not need a restraining order, he is totally in control of his anger and would never ever hurt you.

Sexy Just-for-one-night Fuck Buddy

"McSteamy" in Grey's Anatomy. This guy obviously gets around, as you can tell by the way he flirts/eye-fucks everyone. This is charming and not creepy! If you need a rebound or hot sex or something, he's your guy. Just, you know, definitely use protection. Don't be mad if he's also slept with every other person you know, you don't get dibs. Also definitely don't form an emotional attachment, and definitely don't expect him to change. If you're luck you will find out how much he didn't change before the wedding. If not, you'll find out during the divorce proceedings after many years of marriage (Tiger Woods, Arnold Schwartzenegger).

Nice Guy

George from Grey's Anatomy. Every nice guy on every internet comments section ever. That one guy who's always there to conveniently help you and sort of expects favors in return, but maybe only mentions it when you're emotionally vulnerable and/or both drunk. Can listen to you talk about your feelings for hours, but cannot tell you about the drawer full of half-written love poems he has dedicated to you at home. There is no winning this one, because you do not actually have a friend. You have a guy using the appearance of friendship to get in your pants, and he will withdraw it once he (a) wins the inside of your pants; (b) feels certain rejection of the inside of your pants. Note: rejection may need to be offered more than once, as subtle signals do not work on Nice Guys. They are sometimes even immune to statements like, "I do not want to date you."

Boy Toy

Wes on How to Get Away with Murder. That hot young guy working in your office is just a fling, you cougar you. Why should men be the only ones who get to have any fun? Unfortunately while the sex may be good (or not, depending on how fumbling this guy is), you will still be doing most/all of the emotional labor. In this case, you will be doing emotional labor for a 20 or 30 something, which is a period you would really rather forget existed. This relationship is fine as long as you can keep it purely physical, which will not last. Or you could just hire a sex worker if this is really what you want? It's less complicated.

Probably Gay / Just not that into you

"The Closet" (French film); whenever there's a hot new guy at the office but no one knows how to use their words. Is he gay? Isn't he gay? Does he like you or women or just doesn't he see you did your hair for him today? You could never possibly ask him that would be so embarrassing! It is much better to stalk him online or analyze everything he does based on stereotypes or dedicate your life to pursuing this question only for several years. I mean, you couldn't possibly try dating anyone else right? No, definitely not.

Your BFF that you just never saw that way before

George from Grey's Anatomy. The entire plot of "My Best Friend's Wedding" and "When Harry Met Sally" and probably a bunch of other rom-coms I'm forgetting. The timing was just never right. You were in a relationship, he was in a relationship. Now that he is with someone else you can totally see how great he is. Or maybe now you are moving on up and he has proclaimed his love and maybe it just makes so much sense? Or maybe you want to just try things out and see how they go? Nothing could change if you both just got really drunk and tried having drunk-sex and if it doesn't work out things will just go back to how they were before. Right? This is the best idea, nothing could go wrong.

Love-hate prejudice-pride

Mr. Darcy. I mean surely your witty repartee and seething looks and those awkward exchanges by the lake indicate your passions for one another. Plus he's changed his tune and shown that he loves you for real now, not just some idea of you. Obviously. Clearly this will be the best basis for a strong marriage and lots and lots of hot make-up sex. I mean do you know anything about one another? You know he likes your fine eyes and he has a gorgeous house! This will be great.

Totally inappropriate guy (boss/best friend's boyfriend/POTUS)

Fitz on Scandal. McDreamy on Grey's Anatomy. Basically a zillion rom-com plots intersect with this one. You follow each other with your eyes. You can feel his eyes on your skin. This is more than hormones, this is apple pie and destiny! Except it's wrong, it's so so wrong but so so good. You have so much hot secret sex that is very high risk and thrilling because it would be very terrible if anyone found out. The entire basis of your relationship is sex and secrets, but one day it will be apple pie and marriage and the transition will be smooth and wonderful. Right? Oh, you wish you could quit him! One day you will quit him. Just not today.

Run! (towards him? away? you have feelz)

The Doctor; the rom com guy who is super intense and your love burns so hot like a supernova. I mean sure he can take you through time and space, but does he warn you about what happened to the others? Their lives after him? No, he just shouts "Run!" and then shows off with that sonic screwdriver and never really gives you space to actually move on with your life even when you explicitly say that is what you want. He is not at all emotionally manipulative or stalker-ish, when you think about it. He is just such a wonderful guy! Why can't anyone else see that? God! You're so lucky to have met him and so lucky he picked you, he could have anyone.

Chosen One

Harry Potter; every Joseph Campbell Hero's Quest archetype. He's on a very important quest that will determine the fate of the world. Your love inspires him, but he cannot stay with you right now because of his very important quest. (Though the quest might involve saving you at some point.) Also people might hurt you to get to him, so you really should stay away so  he doesn't have to do the saving-you-side-quest. Also you're a girl, but not like that Other Girl who he saves the world with who, like, wears glasses or something. Maybe one day you can be together, after he saves the world. Stay safe and think of him, but not where anyone will know about it. He'll think of you if he has time, or maybe it will be too painful to think of having a future.

[In any of the above scenarios, do not date the guy.]

Not shown on rom-coms 99% of the time unless the couple is aged and wrinkled and an example to young thangs of seizing the day:

Your person. The meeting up story doesn't matter really. Most of the time you do mundane things. You will clean up cat vomit for them without complaint because they hate it, just as they will help you remember to eat and maybe keep anti-crunger snacks in the car. Sometimes you fight, because pedestals are silly and real people fight. The romance is in the spaces between the big landmark [Official Romance Here] moments: in the jokes you make about cat poop, or figuring out how to sleep with two people when clearly human arms were not designed for this, or sharing fandoms. Probably this is not on rom-coms because it's hard to show what it's like from the outside, and most of it is just you living your lives, better together than separate.

feel free to add more below

Comments

[syntaxofthings]

bahahahaha

The Doctor and his emotional manipulation! OMG. so much this.

You have a guy using the appearance of friendship to get in your pants, and he will withdraw it once he (a) wins the inside of your pants; (b) feels certain rejection of the inside of your pants

*cry*

Also for Possibly Gay: that one guy on Clueless. She tried so hard to "seduce" him because they could talk about designers together! Uhm. Yeah.

[untonuggan]

I have fallen for Nice Guys before. It was...oh, there are stories. And I did it more than once. So, yeah. *offers shoulder and tea*

[frayadjacent]

Love this post. You've covered many of the reasons why I have so few ships.

[untonuggan]

thanks!

and yeah, I tend to ship non-canon people bc the writers go for MAXIMUM DRAMA

[altamira16]

Captain Jack Harness may fit into multiple categories here.

[silveradept]

May, nothing. He does.

[untonuggan]

So true.

[ironed_orchid]

Oh wow! The Doctor one is perfect. I mean, all of these are good. But The Doctor is perfect.

[untonuggan]

Thank you!

[ironed_orchid]

Oh, I thought of one:

Your Ex: You broke up long ago (before the show's timeline started) but you are still in each other's lives due to kids/work/some other commitment. You tell yourselves that you're over it, you've moved on, you have other partners now, but everyone else notices the the sexual tension. If you do have sex, it happens during an argument/when you are both drunk/when you are forced to share a hotel room because of bad script writing. If you don't have sex, you probably share a deep dark secret, and have clandestine and kemotional conversations about it.
ETA: One of you may be pining, either openly or secretly.
Examples: Will on The Good Wife, Antoine on Treme, Randall on The Hour, Freddie on The Hour (who is also the BFF)

[pipisafoat]

(Sterling Archer from Archer, which is only the most problematic show possibly ever and yet I cannot stop liking it.)

[untonuggan]

Oh gods yes this one.

The "I can't possibly keep it in my pants around my ex" trope is so annoying.

[ironed_orchid]

So annoying! So over it.

[pipisafoat]

re The Doctor: honestly I would appreciate that initial "Run!" + sonic screwdriver to save my life! because he pretty much always does that to save lives. but after that, yeah, I'm not really in for sticking around with him. (am with you re other post on taking TARDIS without Doctor for traveling though!)

[untonuggan]

Yes! pretty much

Also would not mind having a sonic screwdriver aka space wand

[alee_grrl]

This is awesome. I did think of one other:

The lovable rogue:

Malcolm Reynolds, Peter Quill (Starlord), almost every Harrison Ford character ever. Sure, he's a bit of a bad boy and you know he's up to no good, but he smiles that scruffy smile and your heart just swoons a bit. You can see that underneath that criminal exterior he's got a heart of gold. You're sure you can help him change his ways. Help him find his inner hero. Then the two of you can ride off into the sunset of happily ever after, right? There's no way he's just using you, or that he's so socially inept that the discussion of feelings results in the meltdown of his brain. There's no way he's going to wander off with his stalwart companions and leave you with empty promises. He's a changed man after all.

[alee_grrl]

The lovable rogue dovetails frequently with emotionally unavailable/dark past guy, but not always.

[untonuggan]

Yes! I was trying to think of a way to describe this when doing the list and you've got it exactly.

Also ahahahahhaha brain meltdown at discussions of feelings. Nailed it.

[alee_grrl]

As the daughter of a lovable rogue, I feel like I have a pretty good insight. :D

[ironed_orchid]

Yes, this is one I recognize.

The fictional people in my head are having a debate about this.

[paganaidd]

Bailey: "So which am I?"

Barnum: "You can be the handsome rogue."

Bailey: "Ummm. No. He's always a doof. And he can become a Red Shirt too fast."

Barnum: "Nice guy?"

Bailey *glares* "Really not. How about the BFF you never saw that way?"

Barnum: "But...I always saw you that way. And it was a little confusing for a while, let me tell you."

Bailey:

Barnum: How about we both do dark and damaged and Angela can do Manic Pixie Dreamgirl to balance it out?"

Angela: "I beg your pardon? My mind wandered."

Barnum: "All right, just Pixie Dreamgirl, hold the manic."

Re: The fictional people in my head are having a debate about this.

[alee_grrl]

Bwhahaha. I can just see them having this conversation. :D

[silveradept]

I like these! That last one is very impressive, and needs much more representation.

[untonuggan]

Thank you! And yes, so much so. Like how are people going to find/look for healthy representation when this is what media shows as The Bestest Guy Evar?

[silveradept]

And then, if they should get together, the writers immediately contrive ways to force them apart for drama, because a happily married couple is apparently forbidden in media.