Witchy thoughts on chronic pain and internalized ableism

[untonuggan]

I am thinking of doing a spellwork thing but I'm still working out particulars and intent and suchlike.

I thought I would share behind-the-scenes thoughts, also because maybe it will help me work some of those out?

Basically, I know that when I'm having pain flares in particular, I tend to think of my body as somehow other or separate from my essential self. It's an easy pattern to fall into. "Why has my body betrayed me today!" or "Waiting for a bionic body" are frequent online statuses among my friends, but also it goes deeper. It's from before that, those are just an outward manifestation of this.

I read this Little Red Tarot Post earlier this year, and this paragraph has resonated with me for months:

"If we’re fighting, if we’re dreaming, if we’re puking, where are our sick bodies in the cards? What does our dissent look like? Feel like? What does it mean to see our minds and bodies in rebellion? To know that they are rebelling not against us, but against capitalism, against white supremacy, against systemic trauma? What does it mean to embrace our non-compliance?" [emphasis mine]

Another idea I've been playing with is my flare-ups as The Most Ineffective Strike Ever. Like, my striking body is very organized and committed and decentralized and there aren't any scabs. But when I'm like "Okay so what are your demands? Seriously, I'm ready to give them to you!" there's just a lot of squabbling over what should be included and what is too soon to push for and basically every leftie committee meeting I've ever been on.

Alternatively, maybe I'm just not listening closely enough? Maybe my body is like "don't even talk to the management anymore, she will just take us to a doctor and they'll do terrible things and we've been saying clearly for LITERALLY YEARS that our ankles need more support".

[sorry for the digression, extended metaphors like this amuse me]

ANYWAY so spellwork idea is something like a mason jar with some paper and comfortable pens nearby, and when I'm not feeling well I write a note to myself but I write what I would say to a dear friend instead of something self-deprecating or whatever about my body.

I want to think about ways to make it accessible for myself. Like, what would be the most luxurious pens? Would a jar be easier, or a notebook? Etc.

Because honestly, this is the body I've got? And whatever is going on with it, whether it's mutated collagen or a fuckton of inflammation or small fiber neuropathy or nerves that feel pain SUPER INTENSELY, this is the body I've got. And if I were talking to a friend with, say, body image issues I would probably have gently pointed out YEARS ago that maybe I talk negatively about my body like, a lot? But somehow it's considered okay for me to do that because I'm disabled and so why wouldn't I do that about my own body? And no.

So, in an effort to work on my own internalized ableism and feels, this is a thing I'm going to do soon. It's going to be one of those KICK YOU IN THE FEELS things. But also good, I think?

I went to a ritual earlier this year and they were talking about names, and names you don't like attached to you. One of those, for me, was "burden". And during the meditation on this I thought, "You know, I am pretty sure Crone goddesses deal with chronic pain. How could they not? And no one fucking gets away with calling them a burden and comes out the other side unscathed. Also pretty sure no one tells the Crone in any of her many forms that she should have a better attitude."

Comments

[davidgillon]

"You know, I am pretty sure Crone goddesses deal with chronic pain. How could they not? And no one fucking gets away with calling them a burden and comes out the other side unscathed. Also pretty sure no one tells the Crone in any of her many forms that she should have a better attitude."

This++

[untonuggan]

It's also filed under "short story prompts I should write sometime"

[alexseanchai]

Win

[untonuggan]

yyyyyy

[davidgillon]

:)

Agree entirely!

[alexseanchai]

I like :)

[untonuggan]

File under "also super useful things to do every time I have to interact with disability bureaucracy/medical providers and talk about how terrible and broken my body is"

[silveradept]

This is entirely true. And not just because I'm dealing with having made one of the important muscle groups screamingly angry with me recently (and again this morning.)

[untonuggan]

Whoops. Sympathies, and yes.

[jesse_the_k]

Yes.

[alatefeline]

>> And during the meditation on this I thought, "You know, I am pretty sure Crone goddesses deal with chronic pain. How could they not? And no one fucking gets away with calling them a burden and comes out the other side unscathed. Also pretty sure no one tells the Crone in any of her many forms that she should have a better attitude." <<

OOOOOH FUCK YEEEEEAAAAH.

Also I like your idea and I hope it works. Holding/reframing thoughts with gentle compassion is difficult but often awesome.

[untonuggan]

glad you enjoyed!

[pipisafoat]

these are such good thoughts to read. thank you for sharing them. i have a lot of half-formed thoughts, nothing ready to be said though.