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untonugganSo I am going to be up-front and say that this is a tough post for me to write because powerful stuff, but it would have been much harder for me to write it two days ago before the EMDR session. I am also making this entry public because I thought that it could be interesting to a broader audience, so feel free to link here if someone you know might be interested in it - just know that I may be slow in responding to comments. In addition, I'm going to go light on some of the details to spare others who have PTSD from getting triggered who might benefit from reading this post; still, know that I'm going to talk about things related to PTSD and trauma and being a survivor.
*goes boldly onward*
When I was 15, I was sexually assaulted by my (now ex-) boyfriend over a period of months. I stayed with him because I had dated him in the first place to prove to myself that I was straight, and internalized AND externalized homophobia is powerful stuff. Also, I and female friends of mine had experienced unwanted sexual contact before and it was simply...normalized among our peers as something to watch out for, maybe, or just something that just happened sometimes. Also also, my father was Super Protective about my being raped/getting pregnant/etc., so to come to him and say, "Hey, that thing you always warned me about? It happened," would have been against all my rebellious teenage instincts.
I was diagnosed with depression and later bipolar disorder, which started during the time I was dating my attacker.
It took me four years and some women's studies classes to call it rape.
It took me thirteen years to actually talk to a trauma therapist about it. My therapist when I was 19 was male and inexperienced with trauma work, and simply told me that I didn't want to bring up old trauma by talking about it with him. So it was all very well and good that at 19 I was afraid to leave my dorm room because I might run into my attacker or someone who knew him. I was just supposed to deal with it. I tried talking to Sexual Assault Services at my university, but they simply told me they didn't provide therapy and sent me to the University counselling center, who wouldn't see me except on an emergency basis because I had a therapist who only wanted to talk about the Enneagram and couldn't figure out why I was so anxious all the time.
So, fast forward to this summer. I was seeing a brilliant therapist who specializes in anxiety, but the trauma has just. been. building. She recommended that I switch to someone trained in trauma, which I did. It's just that every few years, I get retriggered rather badly and it all comes flooding back. And even in the in-between times, there are times when I can't bear to have anyone touch me.
I have been diagnosed this year with Non-Epileptic Seizures, which basically means I "convert" the stress/trauma into a physical manifestation (even though it is not the same brain thing as an Epileptic Seizure). This often happens on the stairs, because many of my attacks were on a stairwell landing.
My new therapist has been slowly building me up to EMDR. Given the seizures, we haven't been using the flashy lights (we've been using tappers that I hold in my hands.) We've done A LOT of "resourcing", which I've felt is just...kind of good, but after awhile it got kind of frustrating, like I would never get anywhere.
Then yesterday I was kind of in a good space, but I'd had a weird dream and it was bothering me and anyway YOU GUYS WE DID EMDR ON ONE OF THE MOST POWERFUL MEMORIES THAT ALWAYS MADE ME FEEL ASHAMED AND AWFUL AND LIKE IT WAS MY FAULT AND NOW I FEEL ALL GRRL POWER. And I think it's fucking magick. I'm not saying it will work for everyone or I'm plugging EMDR or something like that, I'm just saying WHAT EVEN HAPPENED.
Also very satisfying, it was 13 years to the election day after the sexual abuse started.
And then I was really tired, but had a zillion errands to run because UPS delivered a package to my old address and it was kind of important and I had to track it down and go get it. BUT I FUCKING DID IT I DID IT I DID. And that memory is just....not as powerful, it's really incredible.
And I mean it when I say that EMDR is like magick with a "k". A lot of the visualization stuff feels like things I've done in Pagan ritual space (particularly Starhawk), which is actually kind of interesting. It's just that there are tappers or flashy lights to speed up your brain processing. Anyway, DEFINITELY DO ONLY WITH A TRAINED PROFESSIONAL.
*goes boldly onward*
When I was 15, I was sexually assaulted by my (now ex-) boyfriend over a period of months. I stayed with him because I had dated him in the first place to prove to myself that I was straight, and internalized AND externalized homophobia is powerful stuff. Also, I and female friends of mine had experienced unwanted sexual contact before and it was simply...normalized among our peers as something to watch out for, maybe, or just something that just happened sometimes. Also also, my father was Super Protective about my being raped/getting pregnant/etc., so to come to him and say, "Hey, that thing you always warned me about? It happened," would have been against all my rebellious teenage instincts.
I was diagnosed with depression and later bipolar disorder, which started during the time I was dating my attacker.
It took me four years and some women's studies classes to call it rape.
It took me thirteen years to actually talk to a trauma therapist about it. My therapist when I was 19 was male and inexperienced with trauma work, and simply told me that I didn't want to bring up old trauma by talking about it with him. So it was all very well and good that at 19 I was afraid to leave my dorm room because I might run into my attacker or someone who knew him. I was just supposed to deal with it. I tried talking to Sexual Assault Services at my university, but they simply told me they didn't provide therapy and sent me to the University counselling center, who wouldn't see me except on an emergency basis because I had a therapist who only wanted to talk about the Enneagram and couldn't figure out why I was so anxious all the time.
So, fast forward to this summer. I was seeing a brilliant therapist who specializes in anxiety, but the trauma has just. been. building. She recommended that I switch to someone trained in trauma, which I did. It's just that every few years, I get retriggered rather badly and it all comes flooding back. And even in the in-between times, there are times when I can't bear to have anyone touch me.
I have been diagnosed this year with Non-Epileptic Seizures, which basically means I "convert" the stress/trauma into a physical manifestation (even though it is not the same brain thing as an Epileptic Seizure). This often happens on the stairs, because many of my attacks were on a stairwell landing.
My new therapist has been slowly building me up to EMDR. Given the seizures, we haven't been using the flashy lights (we've been using tappers that I hold in my hands.) We've done A LOT of "resourcing", which I've felt is just...kind of good, but after awhile it got kind of frustrating, like I would never get anywhere.
Then yesterday I was kind of in a good space, but I'd had a weird dream and it was bothering me and anyway YOU GUYS WE DID EMDR ON ONE OF THE MOST POWERFUL MEMORIES THAT ALWAYS MADE ME FEEL ASHAMED AND AWFUL AND LIKE IT WAS MY FAULT AND NOW I FEEL ALL GRRL POWER. And I think it's fucking magick. I'm not saying it will work for everyone or I'm plugging EMDR or something like that, I'm just saying WHAT EVEN HAPPENED.
Also very satisfying, it was 13 years to the election day after the sexual abuse started.
And then I was really tired, but had a zillion errands to run because UPS delivered a package to my old address and it was kind of important and I had to track it down and go get it. BUT I FUCKING DID IT I DID IT I DID. And that memory is just....not as powerful, it's really incredible.
And I mean it when I say that EMDR is like magick with a "k". A lot of the visualization stuff feels like things I've done in Pagan ritual space (particularly Starhawk), which is actually kind of interesting. It's just that there are tappers or flashy lights to speed up your brain processing. Anyway, DEFINITELY DO ONLY WITH A TRAINED PROFESSIONAL.
no subject
Date: 2013-11-08 02:36 pm (UTC)